In this post, I want to talk about courage and the Tourette which in my opinion has a direct connection.
I find out that a lot of things that I do I need to find the courage to do it because of the Tourette. Things that to ordinary people without the Tourette is easier to do, requires more mental powers from me. A lot of times, even though I tell myself that I can do it, in the end I don’t and it is frustrating because I see it as surrendering to the Tourette. My sister always says that I am too judgemental about myself and she is right. I usually punish myself about things that I don’t have the courage to do or succeed in because of the Tourette.
I see it in different aspects of my life; from going into public places in the kibbutz and to going to movies and to shows that have a large crowd of people. Also, my ceremonies don’t give me a rest and because of them I am more reluctant to go public places or to go out from the Ramat Negev area. Which is frustrating me, and I want it to go away, but I know that there is a long way to go before I get to this situation. Also, some activities that I need to do are things that are new to me or things that I am not good at and I can’t find the courage to do them, and I choose not to participate. I want to overcome the fears and to do all the things that I want to without any fear.
I am proud to say that I am now less reluctant to go to movies after I succeeded to go by myself to a movie and I saw that it isn’t so bad like I thought it would be. I still have more work to do, but I believe that I am in the right direction and I will get to the goal soon. I am also going to the shows at pub 40 in Tlalim more than I did before and if there is a show that I like, I am going more freely.
Also the travel to Greece is something that I think is an achievement that I can take credit for. It isn’t easy, but I believe that I have found a way to overcome my fear and concerns. I still have them, but I think that I control them and not vice versa.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have concerns and fears, but now I am in a better mental state which helps me to control and to overcome them than I was half a year ago.
Also, I do more things for myself which helps my inner strength and my courage to grow which I thought I had lost and gained it back again. I believe that now I see the fruits of my hard work on my mental aspect which help me deal with the Tourette better and with great success.
I still have a lot of work to do, but I believe that I am on the right path and hopefully I will reach the goal that I put for myself. Which is to go to outside Ramat Negev or crowded places without any fears and concerns about what people will say and I will have more confidence in myself to do more things that now I don’t have the courage to do. I think that by reaching this goal, my soul will be more complete, which will make me have a stronger and richer life.