In this post, I want to talk about changes and how it affects my Tourette. Changes can be season changes or work and living environment change.
My mother has told me this a couple of occasions, but this year the dime finally dropped. Every change, no matter the size of it, causes my Tourette to get out of control and start to go wild. It happens every year, but I never stopped to examine this phenomenon, until this year.
Usually in autumn and spring, when the season starts to change and the weather is not stable, I start to get more tics and the Tourette is starting to get more intense and wild. The shifts in the weather from cold to hot and vice versa always affect my system, and it becomes unstable which is a trigger for the Tourette. I get it every year and I need to learn to control it and live with it. I know that if I don’t pay attention to it, it will pass.
I found that also changes in the place where I live has the same effect, as happened when I moved to Sde Boker, which was a new environment for me and a trigger for the Tourette to raise its head and show itself. I had to adjust to a new place and to new surroundings, and even though I knew some of the people on the kibbutz, I still got into a spiral that raises the severe level of the Tourette. It took me a couple of months to start feeling comfortable in the kibbutz and the Tourette settled down and I felt relaxed and at home.
Now I am experiencing it once again as I try to decide on my future in the kibbutz: if to become a member of the kibbutz or a permanent resident. Even though that won’t change my life, the thought of changing my status was a trigger for the Tourette to raise its head. I love the kibbutz, and I want to settle down there, and the two choices will give me that and the security that I seek, to know that I have a place to live as long as I want which is important for me. I need to accept that in the kibbutz things are going slowly, which sometimes drives me crazy.
In the movie “The Road Within” there is a character that has Tourette and when someone tells him to relax, he gives an answer that I like. He explains that you can’t say to a man with Tourette to relax and it’s true. I always try to relax but most of the time I can’t even if I try. The Tourette has its desire and it always appears if you want or not. The only thing you can control is how you react to it when it happens which has a direct effect on the severity of the Tourette and your mood.
I must admit and to be honest, most of it I can control by working on myself to be more relaxed and not take things too seriously. I usually tend to pressure myself and make a big thing of everything even if it is a small problem. Also at work, I have this problem which I take everything like it’s my problem even if it’s a problem that is not in my hands, or problems that are not my job to solve. I know that it’s not good for me as my mother told me on a couple of occasions. I have started to work on myself to be more relaxed and calm and not to take everything too seriously, but I still have some work to do before I reach the goal.
I sometimes let the Tourette take control of my life and thoughts and take it to the extreme as happened now in the last five months. I got to an awful spiral that took me down. When I try to examine it, I see that it started mainly because of the changes that I am going through and the OCD that showed up. I let it consume me. I need to not let it take control of my mind completely. It’s easy for me to say and write but it’s hard to implement.
I need to work on myself to manage a calm and relaxed life and not to take everything so seriously. I need to acknowledge that there are things that are out of my control and that my worrying about them won’t help. It will only hurt me. I also need to take the changes more quickly and in these periods to listen more to music to relax my system.
I know that I still have a lot of work to do on myself to reach the goal but I think and hope that I am on the right path. If I continue on the same path that I am going, I will reach this goal one day.