In this post, I want to share with you the OCD and the ceremonies which come with some inadequate movements and acts that don’t look good in public places, which causes me to be anxious and unsettled and lead to panic attacks and disorientation. Recently, it became even worse and more intense which caused me to stay in my comfort zone in Kibbutz Sde Boker or Midreshet Ben Gurion. Even when I am going to the schools where I feel safe and appreciated, I still am having this OCD and ceremonies that consume my mental powers. Also in public places in the Kibbutz, I started to have these panic attacks and disorientation mainly in the dining room and the cultural hall.
I can honestly say that I try my best to get over this feeling when it arrives by going to a quiet place or outside and relax by talking to myself or thinking of my safe place. I try to stop the avalanche from starting and bringing me to these panic attacks and disorientation, which causes me to be disconnected from the environment and act like a zombie.
Lately, this doesn’t work most of the time, and I find myself going into this situation a lot which I hate. I also have some embarrassing ceremonies, and sometimes I need to go off by myself so that I can gain control over them. Most of the time, it takes me a lot of time just to go out from my place because of all the ceremonies. It’s very exhausting and frustrating.
I decided a month ago to get over it and try to go to movies and shows despite it, take breaks at my workplaces when needed and to come home earlier. This situation is mentally very tough for me. On the one hand, I love and enjoy my work and want to succeed in it, but on the other hand, the Tourette constantly raises its head and places obstacles.
I also decided to start taking the pills again for anxiety and the OCD after talking to the doctor. I am usually against pills and but if the situation is bad, I will do it to get back on the right track. I get anxious and restless in a public place, and even though I try to do breathing and relaxing methods, recently it doesn’t work, and I find it frustrating. I can honestly say that it’s very tough for me and I don’t always succeed and when I fail my mood is down because I feel like I have let the Tourette dictate my life.
I talked with two great friends, and we concluded that I need to go and live my life without fear of what people will say. I can honestly say that it is easy to say and write, and I do my best to implement it, but it’s hard to do, and I try to work through it and hope that it will become easier in time. I try to implement it by going to movies in Beer Sheva and shows in Tlalim. I also try to have a social life and to be more involved in organizing the holidays in the kibbutz despite the OCD and ceremonies that I have.
I went to a movie with a friend a month ago, but it took me two tries to do it. Both times it was after a work day in Meshabim School. The first time, an hour before I planned to take the bus, I started to have the anxiety and disorientation. They took me home, and I felt like I failed to overcome the Tourette and let it control me. I remember that I was in a bad mental state of depreciation for a few days. I saw it as a failure that I let the Tourette overcome me and forced me to go home instead of going to the movie. The Tourette had raised its head to remind me that it exists.
The second time was two weeks after the first one, and this time I succeeded. I went to see the new star wars movie, and even though I took the day easy and did a lot of breaks, I still started to feel these feelings a couple of hours before the bus was to arrive, but this time I went aside for a while and did some breathing and relaxed and it worked. I remembered that I was in high heaven with feelings of pride in myself and happiness for the achievement of going to the movie despite the Tourette. I phoned my sister to tell her about this feeling.
Three weeks ago, I went to a comedy stand-up of two comedians that I like at pub 40 in Tlalim. They started to perform and to appear in comedy shows when I was young. I was afraid to go, and I remember that I had a lot of fears and concerns during the weekend, especially because Friday dinner at the kibbutz didn’t go well and the tics were strong. It bothered me and didn’t get out of my mind all Friday evening and Saturday and when I went to the show. I also talked with friends and thought of not going, but in the end, I decided that I won’t cave into the Tourette and I will go. I arrived 30 minutes before the time of the show and got into the pub filled with people, but soon I became a zombie and disoriented. I couldn’t move or communicate. Luckily Alon noticed and came to me, took me aside and after a couple of minutes I was relaxed and calm and managed to communicate again. I saw friends and drank beers with them, and when the show started, I couldn’t stop laughing and had an amazing time. After that, I felt the same uplifting feeling of pride in myself for not giving into the Tourette and that I went to the show.